cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just tell him i said nine months
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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