party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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