i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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