my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
