Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
