Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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