I just found puke in my bra..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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