My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
