I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
