cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
