It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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