I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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