Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As shirtless as possible
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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