I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
