She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
