Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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