wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
