my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
