Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
