I wanna bring you to show and tell
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize