Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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