The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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