Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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