The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
