so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
