i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
