Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
