can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
