Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize