before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
