Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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