Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
