i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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