Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
