all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
