I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
