she woke up with a sticky ear
the condom got lost in my hair
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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