I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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