So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
we should paint friendship bongs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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