dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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