Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
