Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
