I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize