Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let's get the cat blown out
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
