false alarm. still invincible.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
