I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize