You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
