Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
