Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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