I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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