The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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