guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
