Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
