I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
