Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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