Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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