Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
