I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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